If you think I'm talking about you, I probably am...

Before moving to the Middle East I thought the definition of “expat” was: ‘a loud, lobster pink Brit, usually found propping up the bar in the Costa Del Sol whilst watching re-runs of ‘Only Fools and Horses’. But, if you believe what you read in the Collins Dictionary, an “Expatriate” is: ‘one who is voluntary absent from their home or country’. I’ll let you make up your own minds on that one.

From what you have read in your newspapers, I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that us “expats” are the same the world over. Some of the Middle East’s worst accidental ambassadors – our most notorious “sexpats” if you like– might give the impression that British expats are a skimpily dressed race, frequently drunk and of loose morals. Other expats, whom you sometimes see bullying security guards, car park attendants and taxi drivers, might lead you to believe Brits are arrogant, entitled and bombastic. Want the truth? We are actually a mixture of both! (Don’t worry, I can’t stand us either!)

Everyone knows that stereotyping is a dangerous game to play and that it can hurt feelings – excuse me whilst I yawn - and stir heated debates. Having said that, stereotyping is great fun! So, here is a by no means complete list of some of the different “types” of expats that I have bumped into whilst living in the Middle East:

The Reluctant Expat

It’s obvious from the moment that she opens her mouth that she doesn’t want to be here. She’s been dragged over by her husband who’s been tempted by a much higher, tax-free salary, a nicer car, a bigger home and a golf-club membership while she, on the other hand, has read all the negative press about the Middle East and believes all the stereotypes.

The Explorer

An adventurous type, the explorer simply can’t get enough of the Middle East’s desert landscape. Their first purchase in the Middle East wasn’t a Rolex but a tent and an India Jones style hat. Every weekend is spent off-roading through the desert; bumping their Wrangler over the sand dunes; mountain-biking in the mountains of Ras Al Khaimah; or stand-up paddle-boarding around the Burj Al Arab.

The‘Jumeirah Jane’

She is normally married with a couple of young children and has a husband who works in business and earns a bucket load of money. Her husband works very long hours and is often away on business, leaving Jane to her own devices. He will also leave her with his Platinum credit card too. Jane is a lady who lunches, shops, lunches some more, shops some more and will sometimes pick the kids up from school (if the nanny is sick). She can normally be seen driving around in her oversized SUV or lunching at the ‘Lime Tree’ Café.

The Moaner

This one needs no introduction. As soon as they open their mouth, it seems that nothing in the Middle East is right for them. An avid contributor to online expat forums, they criticise the weather, the bureaucracy, the education system, the healthcare system, customer service, the locals, the expats, the roads, the restaurants and the colour of the tiles in the beach club’s swimming pool.

But, this one differs from the “reluctant expat” in that they still lap it all up. They can be guaranteed to be moaning while getting their nails done; complaining while sipping a cocktail by the pool; and moaning at the beach club. This moaning of course has nothing to do with living in the Middle East – this one moaned in Hong Kong, Oman and Bahrain.

The Party Animal

Young, single and living life to the max. They work hard and party harder! For them, life abroad is all about one thing; pleasure and fun. They’re most likely to be found in an expatriate bar, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and sharing stories of drunken debauchery. They certainly do enjoy life but there's an inherent risk that they will either not remember much of their experience in the Middle East or will end up front page news of ‘The Daily Mail’.

“Which type of expat is Jayne Riley?” I hear you ask. That’s easy:

The Pampered Pooch

They are keen to live abroad and experience life in a different country but have no interests in living like a local and expect luxury and indulgence all the way. They normally live in a luxury apartment and spend all of their time with people from a similar background to their own. They have taken the time and effort to learn some of the local language and traditions but have done so with the express aim of showing-off to their visiting friends and relatives. They travel quite frequently but have seen the majority of the Middle East from the comfort of a five star hotel with a private beach and swimming pool. The “Pampered Pooch” is most likely to be found sipping cocktails by the pool or shopping in Dubai Mall. However, they will embrace their inner “Explorer” and sit on a camel for the purposes of a good photograph.