Keeping up with the Jones'

Not your typical grocer, 'Jones the Grocer' knocks up chic food from around the globe from a modern ‘Wagyu Burger’ to the British favourite of ‘fish and chips’. A trip to Dubai would not be complete without a visit at the modern eatery and sampling the delights of its extensive patisserie and deli counter. A bottle of organic pink lemonade and a selection of cute and fluffy French macaroons make for a perfect ‘girly girls’ lazy lunch.

Travelling Treat: Tips and Toes Spa

Looking our best when backpacking is going to be tough so there was only one place on my mind when we touched down in our first destination of Dubai: my ‘happy place’ that is the ‘Tips and Toes Spa' in Abu Dhabi. While hard-core backpackers would state that beauty and backpacks have nothing in common, us ‘glam-packers’ intend to enter the world of backpacking by putting our best foot forward: preened, pampered and of course, perfectly pedicured…

The 'Friday Brunch'

Bleary eyed and sweaty, a lady stands on the table, her blouse torn and covered in red wines stains and the back of her skirt tucked into her knickers. Her friends – equally inebriated – clap and cheer, the table littered with empty wine bottles and discarded cocktail glasses, as she swigs the last dregs from a champagne bottle. It’s 2 o’clock on a Friday afternoon. Welcome to the “Friday Brunch”.

A once classy and culinary affair, where one might enjoy a lazy lunch with a glass of champagne, has morphed into the ‘drunch’ – or ‘drunk-lunch’ – where the food plays second fiddle to the free flowing alcohol. You won’t find an eggs benedict or orange juice in sight; instead, you will find binge drinking, bad singing and Mojitos. For four hours, on the holiest day of the week, hoards of expats succeed in creating their own “Mini-Magaluf” as they run a mock in the grounds of five star hotels. And, while there are those who are able to enjoy simply having a few drinks and a nice lunch in a luxurious setting before taking a taxi quietly home, plenty of others use the four-hour brunch, which runs approximately from midday to 4pm, as a license to get plastered. Come 4pm, sozzled expats either head home or head onwards, bravely navigating the city’s night life. Many are still standing (just!) come 3am, wrecked but resilient.

Brunches range widely in prices and quality, from burgers and ‘Budwiser’, to cavier and ‘Crystal’, but,  after a few hours, though, it doesn’t really matter, as come 4pm, many won’t be able to tell if they are drinking ‘Bollinger’ or bath water…

"Full Special Please"

There are lots of reasons why I love living in the UAE but I am slightly ashamed to admit to one of them: I get much more "help" here than I did in the UK.

"Help"? I hear you ask, “what do you mean?”  Well, I feel shameful saying it- I suspect partly because I know I have developed “ex-pat brat” syndrome - but basically, I don’t need to do any of the menial tasks which, frankly, have never given me any joy (or I have never been very good at!): cleaning, ironing, packing my shopping, unpacking my shopping, washing my car and even putting petrol in my car.

If the car needs petrol, I pull into the petrol station and utter the phrase “full special please” then, a lovely little man in blue will come and fill up my car and clean my windscreens. No cash? No problem! The card machine is brought to my car window, interrupting my listening to the radio only briefly.

It's only been 2 years, but and I don’t think I can even remember how to switch on the hoover or iron and I have trouble finding cleaning products in the house- this is all thanks to my lovely maid, Sheryl, who comes once a week.

At the supermarket checkout, I am free to vacantly stare at the wall or read my magazine while a lovely person packs my shopping into bags by category. A man then whisks the trolley in the direction of my car and unpacks my shopping into the car. If you have kids, he'll probably put them in the car for you too! Another man then directs me out of my parking spot in my newly cleaned and valeted car (yes, I don’t do that either!).

I must admit I find these things wonderful after struggling to pack my shopping fast enough in Asda, people in the queue “tutting” behind me. It's not that these things are so terrible to do yourself, just so much nicer if someone does them for you.

In the UAE, there is an oversupply of unskilled labour which is the main reason why so much help is affordable. It shows that there is a job for everyone; almost like “inventing jobs” (David Cameron, take note!). Crucially, it provides people with few skills the ability to earn money and, it makes their life, and mine, well, that little bit better.

If you think I'm talking about you, I probably am...

Before moving to the Middle East I thought the definition of “expat” was: ‘a loud, lobster pink Brit, usually found propping up the bar in the Costa Del Sol whilst watching re-runs of ‘Only Fools and Horses’. But, if you believe what you read in the Collins Dictionary, an “Expatriate” is: ‘one who is voluntary absent from their home or country’. I’ll let you make up your own minds on that one.

From what you have read in your newspapers, I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that us “expats” are the same the world over. Some of the Middle East’s worst accidental ambassadors – our most notorious “sexpats” if you like– might give the impression that British expats are a skimpily dressed race, frequently drunk and of loose morals. Other expats, whom you sometimes see bullying security guards, car park attendants and taxi drivers, might lead you to believe Brits are arrogant, entitled and bombastic. Want the truth? We are actually a mixture of both! (Don’t worry, I can’t stand us either!)

Everyone knows that stereotyping is a dangerous game to play and that it can hurt feelings – excuse me whilst I yawn - and stir heated debates. Having said that, stereotyping is great fun! So, here is a by no means complete list of some of the different “types” of expats that I have bumped into whilst living in the Middle East:

The Reluctant Expat

It’s obvious from the moment that she opens her mouth that she doesn’t want to be here. She’s been dragged over by her husband who’s been tempted by a much higher, tax-free salary, a nicer car, a bigger home and a golf-club membership while she, on the other hand, has read all the negative press about the Middle East and believes all the stereotypes.

The Explorer

An adventurous type, the explorer simply can’t get enough of the Middle East’s desert landscape. Their first purchase in the Middle East wasn’t a Rolex but a tent and an India Jones style hat. Every weekend is spent off-roading through the desert; bumping their Wrangler over the sand dunes; mountain-biking in the mountains of Ras Al Khaimah; or stand-up paddle-boarding around the Burj Al Arab.

The‘Jumeirah Jane’

She is normally married with a couple of young children and has a husband who works in business and earns a bucket load of money. Her husband works very long hours and is often away on business, leaving Jane to her own devices. He will also leave her with his Platinum credit card too. Jane is a lady who lunches, shops, lunches some more, shops some more and will sometimes pick the kids up from school (if the nanny is sick). She can normally be seen driving around in her oversized SUV or lunching at the ‘Lime Tree’ Café.

The Moaner

This one needs no introduction. As soon as they open their mouth, it seems that nothing in the Middle East is right for them. An avid contributor to online expat forums, they criticise the weather, the bureaucracy, the education system, the healthcare system, customer service, the locals, the expats, the roads, the restaurants and the colour of the tiles in the beach club’s swimming pool.

But, this one differs from the “reluctant expat” in that they still lap it all up. They can be guaranteed to be moaning while getting their nails done; complaining while sipping a cocktail by the pool; and moaning at the beach club. This moaning of course has nothing to do with living in the Middle East – this one moaned in Hong Kong, Oman and Bahrain.

The Party Animal

Young, single and living life to the max. They work hard and party harder! For them, life abroad is all about one thing; pleasure and fun. They’re most likely to be found in an expatriate bar, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and sharing stories of drunken debauchery. They certainly do enjoy life but there's an inherent risk that they will either not remember much of their experience in the Middle East or will end up front page news of ‘The Daily Mail’.

“Which type of expat is Jayne Riley?” I hear you ask. That’s easy:

The Pampered Pooch

They are keen to live abroad and experience life in a different country but have no interests in living like a local and expect luxury and indulgence all the way. They normally live in a luxury apartment and spend all of their time with people from a similar background to their own. They have taken the time and effort to learn some of the local language and traditions but have done so with the express aim of showing-off to their visiting friends and relatives. They travel quite frequently but have seen the majority of the Middle East from the comfort of a five star hotel with a private beach and swimming pool. The “Pampered Pooch” is most likely to be found sipping cocktails by the pool or shopping in Dubai Mall. However, they will embrace their inner “Explorer” and sit on a camel for the purposes of a good photograph.

If it's good enough for Carrie and Co, it's good enough for Jayne

“What happens after you say ‘I do’?”  Well, if you are Carrie Bradshaw, you end up childless and in marriage limbo, until one day, over lunch, you and three glamorous friends are offered an all expenses-paid holiday to Abu Dhabi. If you are Jayne Riley, you end up jobless and in career limbo, until one day, at an interview; you are offered a tax free salary and all year round sunshine in Abu Dhabi. And just like Carrie and Co, I packed up my Prada and followed in their stiletto footsteps to the land of sand...

For the last 2 years I haven’t once put the petrol in my car, I have told the time by listening to the local mosque call, I haven’t paid tax and my housework has consisted of leaving a ‘to do’ list for the maid. Welcome to my life in the ‘Abu Dhabi Bubble’. The richest country in the world, where you earn money fast and spend it even faster. Where tigers are considered pets, the vending machines sell gold and you get the valet to park your car at the supermarket.

A country that was once a quiet fishing village known for its pearl trade is now a stunning city that proves anything is possible. Abu Dhabi has it all: the best in luxury hotels, modern attractions, fabulous beaches, deserts and mountains, the Grand Mosque and camel beauty contests. Yes, even camels like to strut their stuff. Our neighbouring Emirate, Dubai, also boasts the world’s tallest building, largest aquarium and mall and the first refrigerated beach. The Middle East has it all, and if we don’t have it, then we will build it. Or buy it in most cases!

Over the next few weeks I will lift the Abaya on life in the United Arab Emirates. My fellow ‘Abu Dhabians’ will relate to my words, everyone else, take what you read with a pinch of salt or even a grain of sand...

Oh, and I must mention that I LOVE living in Abu Dhabi, just in case anyone is offended (Jail is no place for my Louboutins).

The "Blonde"

I am a blonde. A blonde who is preparing to go backpacking around the world for a year. I have quit my job, bought an around the world plane ticket and at the moment, I am currently having nightmares about how I am going to pack everything I will need and wear for an entire year into a 60 litre backpack (and that’s 60 litres NOT including the 60 bottles those litres come in, as I later found out). I can already hear the bets being placed regarding how long I will last.

I am the ultimate “girly girl”. I like expensive jewellery that I wont be able to wear when travelling in case I get mugged or they get stolen. I like nice clothes and shoes which I won’t be able to take with me because I don’t want to have them ruined, lost or stolen. So, basically, I am going to have to go travelling with 60 litres (not including the bottles) of clothes from Primark that I don’t care about so I don’t mind if they get ruined, lost or stolen. I also shower obsessively and wash my hair without fail every other day which is going to be a major problem when sharing one shower with ten other people. But this upsets me! How will I ever cope? I want to take with me my best dresses, jewellery and my heels. My full bathroom cabinet of products, a suitcase full of make up, my hairdryer, GHD’s and curling tongs. But no, for the duration of my travels I shall be silver free, frizzy haired and cheap clothes filled. Let’s hope I ‘find myself’ pretty quickly! I also don’t like bugs, getting dirty or getting my hair wet. You get the gist. But, the above is not entirely how I would perceive myself – merely how I suspect others perceive me.

I will admit it – I am what you would call a "girly-girl". I like to dress up, I'm most comfortable in heels, and, I don't feel quite myself when I'm not wearing at least a little makeup. Despite my disdain for getting wet, sweaty, smelly or dirty, I love to travel and try new things. And although I may not be the biggest ‘outdoorsy’ type, I do enjoy ‘outdoor’ activities; I just like to look good while I do them.

In 9 weeks time I will be joining my 2 best friends to embark on an adventure around the globe. Three 20 something “girly girls” who have checked out of their jobs, checked out of their homes and are checking out the world instead...

Will I be giving up my sparkly flip flops for Tevas Sandals? Or swapping a spritz of my Chanel No. 5 for a cloud of bug spray? No chance!